How do I talk about my Mother.

How do I talk about how much I miss her.

I can’t smell her on my clothes anymore.

I can’t remember the last time she hugged me outside of her hospital bed.

I have so many of her clothes, because even though I was a solid foot taller than her, our waists were the same size.

I miss my Mother telling me I was right.

I miss my Mother telling me my opinion, no matter how loud or abrasive, WAS RIGHT.

I have always supported the “under dogs” and my Mother always supported me supporting them.

I miss my Mother telling me I was crazy, but the best kind.

I miss my Mother telling me how I “danced to the beat of my own drum”

I miss my Mother loving me, for me.

It’s hard to describe my Mother. She was a confusing person, but so am I.

Story time; At one point in my life my ex-SIL (sister in law) called my mom and told her I was doing speed. Was I doing speed? Yes. Did I admit to it at that time? No. However, my Mother straight up asked me about it and I was honest, “Yes, Mom, I’m doing XYZ drug.”

You know what she said? Ok. I love you.

I miss my Mothers acceptance of who I am and who I was. Do I still do speed? Fuck no. I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

I’m so depressed.

I take cetalapram every day.

I take trazadone to sleep.

This really doesn’t take care of me or my problem.

I wish I could hug my 5’4″ mother. She held me. I don’t feel held anymore. I miss her smell.

I miss her laughing at my bullshit, but also supporting me.

What do I do without her? How do I proceed?