Author: Amb A Sinner

Amb A Sinner https://ambasinner.wordpress.com If beauty is pain, violence is makeup.

I updated.

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I really did.

WordPress ATE it.

I will give you the short and skinny:

I work three days a week. I have four days off. I still haven’t managed to do more than half a painting and one quick sketch on another. I’ve been reluctant to put away my paint supplies because I so desperately want to just sit at home and paint and not give a damn about the rest of the world.

But I do.

All of my now free time has been occupied piece by piece due to the fact that I’ve been a workaholic for many days.

I only work at the bar, I no longer work as a Barista.

I have ideas flowing forth and I can’t even find the time to put them to paper.

It’s hard.

Work is easy.

Having money is fantastic.

This is only what I’m feeling on the surface.

Slow water’s run deep? What can I say, I am a Scorpio.

My exboyfriend has moved back into town. My current interest seems to be not as interested in me as I am in him. I just want me me me me me me me em me time but I seem to treat my time as though it’s valueless.

I don’t get enough sleep.

Work again tomorrow, then who knows what.

Insanity!!

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Just kidding. My life has been all kinds of crazy since re-entering the work place. I put in my two-weeks notice at Starbucks, so after the 11th I will no longer have to do the one thing I’m best at and the one thing I hate the most; make coffee.

Today I’m painting. What am I painting? The same ol’ crazy things I always end up painting. Here’s my work station.. and yes I call it that because it doesn’t stay this way all the time.

Painting Station

It gets the job done. You can see my paints, my mediums, my brushes, my pads, etc etc etc. The only thing you can’t see is the weird lap easel I use and my energy drink and ashtray on another tub/table to my right. I’m excited to see what comes of this 🙂

Ketosis and Weight Loss

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I’m looking to put my body into ketosis (known in the future as ‘keto’) and give up carbs and lose some weight while I do it.

Day 1: Fuck yeah Keto! I can do this no problem.

There were problems. Go figure. First of all my diet is very carb heavy. I can’t help it, it’s the way I was raised so my meal planning has a lot of bread and potatoes involved. Secondly, anyone I spoke to about it immediately jumped to, “It can kill you!” “It will ruin your kidney’s!” “You brain needs carbs!”

I immediately freak out about the kidney issue. I’ve had kidney issues before but generally due to severe dehydration which effects everyone’s  kidneys.

I do homework. Decide not to remove carbs, just considerably lower my carb intake. 50g a day. See how it goes. Adjust as needed.

Back on the keto wagon. I’m excited. I don’t have much to lose, but once it’s gone I will feel 100 times better about my appearance.

That is damn important.

Wake Up Rage

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Recently when I wake up in the morning I have absolutely no recollection of my back injury until I try to sit up and I’m bombarded with pain. Those first few seconds are magical. However, as soon as I do try to move and the pain returns I’m instantly depressed.

I still have pain. I am still injured. I still have to take my pills.

I hate taking pills. I have a hard time tracking when I’ve taken them and I’m beginning to worry that I’ve been taking them so long that they’re losing their effectiveness.

I’ve been on pain killers and muscle relaxers for 11 days.  I don’t know how familiar any of you are with the side effects of pain killers but I’ve had to add ducolex to my daily regimen. So now I take 4-5 pills every morning instead of 2.

All I’ve been eating is garbage. I can’t go grocery shopping for lack of funds and my father doesn’t really buy real food. I’m bed ridden and eating pastries and cereal. I can feel my weight rising. I can’t even work out for fear of injuring my back further.

I’m just so tired of all this. I want to be healthy again.

Drama Weekend

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M is moving here to Santa Cruz this week. There has been more drama this weekend than I’ve had in my life for a while. I don’t appreciate or enjoy it.

I’ve explained so many times to so many people what’s going on in my life that it’s hard for me to actually write it all out here now.

M is my ex boyfriend. Since we broke up I have been very clear about where I’m at and what I’m doing. He lives in Idaho. Well he lived in Idaho. Now he’s moving back here.

A lot of things were said this weekend and I’m just a complete ball of stress about it. So all this M drama and a new job on top of my injury,  and the fact that I’m not working (read: no income) I’m just ready to melt down.

I feel responsible for his happiness even though I absolutely 100% am not. He’s giving me ultimatums and demands that are impossible for me to fulfill and I feel pressured to make decisions prematurely. Suddenly everything I was prepared to deal with in October are happening right now.

I just have to hold it together.