Author: Amb A Sinner

Amb A Sinner https://ambasinner.wordpress.com If beauty is pain, violence is makeup.

Wake Up Rage

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Recently when I wake up in the morning I have absolutely no recollection of my back injury until I try to sit up and I’m bombarded with pain. Those first few seconds are magical. However, as soon as I do try to move and the pain returns I’m instantly depressed.

I still have pain. I am still injured. I still have to take my pills.

I hate taking pills. I have a hard time tracking when I’ve taken them and I’m beginning to worry that I’ve been taking them so long that they’re losing their effectiveness.

I’ve been on pain killers and muscle relaxers for 11 days.  I don’t know how familiar any of you are with the side effects of pain killers but I’ve had to add ducolex to my daily regimen. So now I take 4-5 pills every morning instead of 2.

All I’ve been eating is garbage. I can’t go grocery shopping for lack of funds and my father doesn’t really buy real food. I’m bed ridden and eating pastries and cereal. I can feel my weight rising. I can’t even work out for fear of injuring my back further.

I’m just so tired of all this. I want to be healthy again.

Drama Weekend

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M is moving here to Santa Cruz this week. There has been more drama this weekend than I’ve had in my life for a while. I don’t appreciate or enjoy it.

I’ve explained so many times to so many people what’s going on in my life that it’s hard for me to actually write it all out here now.

M is my ex boyfriend. Since we broke up I have been very clear about where I’m at and what I’m doing. He lives in Idaho. Well he lived in Idaho. Now he’s moving back here.

A lot of things were said this weekend and I’m just a complete ball of stress about it. So all this M drama and a new job on top of my injury,  and the fact that I’m not working (read: no income) I’m just ready to melt down.

I feel responsible for his happiness even though I absolutely 100% am not. He’s giving me ultimatums and demands that are impossible for me to fulfill and I feel pressured to make decisions prematurely. Suddenly everything I was prepared to deal with in October are happening right now.

I just have to hold it together.

Temporarily Disabled

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I’m off work for the next seven days. I had to go to the hospital this morning after I woke up for work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Well, I couldn’t easily get out of bed.  I did this kind of roll/crawl until I could get upright. I drove to the hospital with M and did the zombie shuffle to my room while I waited for the doctor to arrive.

Three hours later, I see a Physicians Assistant. We go through the drill. Try to push your leg up. Do you feel this in your toes? Do you have any numbing? Any shooting pains? How bad do you feel on a scale of one to ten… 

I do my best and all the while it’s finally dawning on me how serious my back injury is. While sitting on a chair, I can’t lift my legs up more than a few inches. I can’t bend over, I can’t lean.

So the doctor wrote me a prescription for more muscle relaxers and more pain killers and a note to my work saying I cannot come in for another seven days.

I just had five days off last week for this very same thing. I was doing really really good and then I went back to work for two days and BAM! I can’t walk or stand again comfortably.

I hope it gets better this week or I’m going to be in a world of hurt. Both figuratively and literally.

Upside Down

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My life is a bit backwards at the moment. Last week I hurt my back. The muscles in my lumbar are having massive spasms and I’m a bit disabled. I was off work for five days and yesterday was my first day back. I’m a Barista, remember? It’s incredibly hard to be efficient when you can’t bend over. None the less, I’m taking muscle relaxers and pain killers until it can heal itself but I feel as though this isn’t going to help as long as I’m still moving and using the muscles.

Not only that, but my ex-boyfriend, M is likely flying into town tomorrow. He had moved to Idaho for work but is now applying for jobs here so he can move back. He has some interviews and wants to see me.

I agreed to maybe have dinner with him and catch up. I’m not entirely sure what to expect and I’m nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. I know he hasn’t gotten over me and I’m not entirely sure I’m “over” him, but I have been seeing other people. I know that he hasn’t.

I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face. I guess we’ll see.

Then again, he may not be coming into town at all, so maybe I should just stop worrying about it and roll with the punches.

Reboot

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You know how some times you just need to wipe the slate clean and start over? That’s where I’m at. I’ve had a blog for a long time.. I’ve had multiple blogs actually, over the course of the last decade, and I usually will back up and import all of my old posts when I start a “new” one.

I didn’t want to do that this time. I’ve gone without a blog for almost a year now and I simply can’t take it any longer. I need a place I can express all the random tidbits I have trapped in my head, even if I don’t have an audience.

So hello again, Internet. I have returned.