Ever wake up and wonder that? Or put that infront of anything really.. What the fuck am I doing with my life. What the fuck am I doing here? What the fuck is going on.

I woke up this morning half way hung over from the Jameson I drank last night. I quit my job. I’m trying to move out of state. Being an escapist is a pain in my ass. But at least that is one thing I’m sure of. Beyond that I can’t answer any of the questions I asked in the first paragraph. I’m going to be 25 in two days. I might as well be 25 now. I’m starting to understand why old people say birthday’s don’t matter.

Old is old. I’m getting there.

Mike asked me last night why I was afraid of getting old. I couldn’t answer it. I just know I am. I don’t want to get old. I don’t ever want to turn 30. I think it might be because that means I’m going to have to take some kind of responsibility for my actions.. or lack there of. What the fuck have I done with my life? Absolutely nothing. I haven’t done one god damned thing with it. Nothing amazing. I haven’t changed the world in any way what so ever.

At most I can hope I was some kind of positive influence on someone’s life or maybe some kind of emotional pillar for someone when they needed it most. But beyond that, I haven’t done dick with my life.

I just seem to kind of float by.

I am done.

I am done with my job. Just sooo fucking over it and so done. I’m sick of the drama, the misconceptions, the lack of communication, being behind in our training, getting berated for things that didn’t happen, our boss not having an integrity and I’m flat out tired of the lack of work ethic.

I’m unhappy when I’m there, and I don’t like that. It wasn’t always that way.

I have to go to the doctor early tomorrow and I’m scared. Well, that’s an understatement. I’m actually freaking the fuck out. I’m not going to share details until I get to the bottom of it, but basically there is shit going on that I can’t account for and it’s scary.

I’m taking three days off the week following next. So after the 18th. I have to go up to Oregon to drop off my brother with my Dad, so that will be a nice mini-vacation. And if my boss can take four days off for no reason, I can take three off. Or she can go fuck herself. Whichever comes first.

I did lots of grocery shopping today after work and bought pizza for dinner. So much for being healthy. I needed it. And the food I bought wasn’t terrible food. I’m keeping it all in the poquito casa. I’m sick of people (read: father and brother) eating all my foodies.