Author: Amb A Sinner

Amb A Sinner https://ambasinner.wordpress.com If beauty is pain, violence is makeup.

Karma Police, Arrest this Girl

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I’m feeling weird this morning. I’ve been single exactly two days and I’ve already been asked on a date. I’m going, because I was going to this event already, so it will be fun.

I’m also pretty excited about Mike moving here. He has already once played the role of the ‘one who got away’ in my life, and I don’t want that to happen twice. I’m excited to see how we are with each other on a daily basis. We’ve never had that, ever. We’ve never lived in the same town, and I’ve never had my licence (though I still don’t. Hah.) So hopefully that all pans out well too.

I feel like I’m more on track than I have been in a while. And for a minute there, I lost myself.

[Jam Sesh]

They know that you’re horrible

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[Listen]

This isn’t going to be necessarily well written, but I must write none the less.

I can’t really say unexpectedly.. but surprisingly, my previous post turned into a catalyst. I finally reached the end of my rope in this dance Mike and I do. I can handle it no longer. I am over stalemating in my life. I’m over feeling lonely. Half my friends are in relationships, and the other half is dating. I could do neither. I was stuck in some kind of limbo.

I feel like a vulcan. Like just because my emotions aren’t showing people don’t think I feel them. I’ve dealt with so much crap in my life, this is how I’ve learned how to deal with it. I just turn it off. I have since I was 8. I’m still learning how to stop doing that.

So I digress.. I feel horrible. Sort of. I feel bad that I’ve made Mike feel bad. I don’t really feel bad about my choice. Mike and I are single. Which is good.

Mike has decided he’s going to move here in October. I told him I don’t want that pressure on my head. I don’t want himto move here and then when he hates it blame me. I’m not asking him to move here. But I guess he wants to. He can finish all of his school online.. So that’s good? I think. Anyway. So, Mike and I are single. Then when he moves here we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. And washed of all previous sins. We will be starting from square one. Weird right? I know. It works for me though. Like, this makes sense to me.

I just hope it works out right. Mike doesn’t deserve to have me stomp all over his heart.

[Listen]

Pointless

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Sometimes I feel like the break I’m attempting to take from being in a LDR just isn’t working. Nothing has changed and my emotions are right back where they were before I decided I needed a break. A break in words alone is no break at all.

Mike, I know you’re going to read this. So theres that. You will probably get upset and want to talk to me about this which is fine, but it’s my blog none the less so I’m going to keep on talking about this.

I still feel like I’m living some sort of weird double life. Mike-time and Rest-of-the-time. If I’m not at work I’m talking to Mike, camming with mike, playing games with mike. Whatever. It’s great and I love it, but it’s not what I need to be doing. I do not want to sever this all together, but maybe I should. My heart hurts. It hurts all the time.

For one reason or another and I don’t like it.

[Listen To Me]

Bonfire, The River, and Alcohol

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Okay, so let me give you an explanation to the last 48 hours of my life.

Sunday (Yesterday): I get to work at 10. For some reason I’m working 10-7 instead of my usual 9:30 to 6:30 but whatever, I don’t care. I figure I can probably leave around 6:30 anyways. I go in and I’m talking to Stacie and apparently our Espresso Machine is broken.. Sort of. We have it rigged up to where it will work but she put in an emergency service call. I’m working with Katie. We have a blast together.

So we work and work and around 4pm the dude who’s going to fix our machine shows up. He’s way cool and from Sacramento. Turns out today was supposed to be his day off so he has to drive all the way down here to fix it. Lame. I feel pretty bad for him, especially after I found out he’s going to have to get a hotel in town and shit. I’m also having a bonfire tonight with all my homies, so I invite him up to my house to drink with us and at least make the most of his evening in Santa Cruz.

Later: I get home, joe picks me up after we do some shopping and we’re setting up tents. Nick and Char show up shortly after we do and we hang out and shit kick it. The party commences around 9pm. I proceed to get royally fucked up. That was the plan. It’s my house. Joe also gets a really good tequila drunk going. Good for him, he’s on leave for two weeks from the Navy and the whole point was for him to party with all his friends 😀

Today. We wake up around 9. I wake up in joe’s tent after freezing my ass off most of the night. I do not recall grabbing my blankets and making use of his tent, but whatever. Hahaha. I was drunk (read above). We all decide that we’re going to spend our day at the river.

We leave around noon after eating some left overs and having a drink to take the edge off. We make a pit stop at Andrea and Jesse’s house so that everyone can change into their bathing suits, then head to the river. Good times. Katie and I leave at 2:30 so we can go get our facials (at 3) and head into town. We run into brock and his friend at Pleasure Point. laugh about my drunkness the night before. Get our facials. Head back to the river. They had just thrown hamburgers on the bbq. We go back to swimming and sunbathing. Great times. We eat some delicious hamburgers and hot dogs and drink up more.

Head home around 6:30. It’s 8ish.. I’m home. I work tomorrow at 930am. Good times. I love my friends. I love Santa Cruz. Pictures will be up shortly.