Author: Amb A Sinner

Amb A Sinner https://ambasinner.wordpress.com If beauty is pain, violence is makeup.

Boop

3 Comments

I’ve had a hellacious five days. I don’t even want to begin divulging details about it because it’s simply too overwhelming and I know I will leave something to be desired. So I will simply say they were terrible, and leave it at that.

Yesterday was the long awaited Dentist Appointment to take care of my jaw infection. It took longer than expected to come up with the $500 I had to have up front in order to get it taken care of, but now it is all taken care of. I have a hole in my jaw and my mouth is sore but at least it will heal and all will be well.

I’m in a slump. Just in life. In general. I am not happy and I don’t really know why. I hate my job, colors seem dull and I really have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m 16 again. That was back when I was diagnosed with bipolar, and though I believed it to be a crock of shit over these last few years I wonder if perhaps it was not. I am depressed and I know it. I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t want drugs to fix it, I just want to be happy. I need to find something to be happy about, and that’s where I fail.

I will be visiting Oregon soon. That is definitely something I am looking forward to. My family is a source of happiness and I simply can’t wait to see my little niece Olivia. I will of course enjoy my time with Mike. He is also a constant source of happiness. But in general, I feel like my life has no purpose, no focus.. I have no goals, long term or short.

I don’t really know where to set my marker. I can’t really figure out what it is I want to do with myself. I just feel so.. lost.

Riddle me this.

3 Comments

April 1st, I weighed myself before I started sober april. I weighed 155lbs. I was STOKED on this. This morning, I weighed myself, and I weigh 167lbs? Uhm. My pants are loose.. so how is this possible? I think my scale is broken. I do stack stuff on it so maybe that could’ve ruined it? I don’t f’in know. But I am super sad/upset/pissed right now.

This is the kind of shit that motivates people like me to drink. Seriously.

Dear April,

Leave a comment

Yes, I’m talking to you. It would appear that the bargain we struck four days ago was far too high of a price and I over estimated my will power and ability to drop habits.

Please, allow me to explain. Caffeine. I have done (what I consider) an amazing job dropping Energy drinks.. Except at 5:30 am when I have to open Starbucks. So I am now allowing myself that ONE exception. Otherwise, you’re still out.

Walking… Legs, I have failed you. Since April 1st it has been nothing but shitty weather, and for those of you who don’t know where I live, my driveway is  a 25ft mud slip and slide. No, I haven’t been walking, and now that I’ve lost my momentum I don’t know that I will start.

.. Otherwise everything is still a go! So I’m not a complete failure. I’m only human.

Commerce

1 Comment

My sister sells stuff on Etsy.com and makes money. I’ve considered the idea but never really ran with it. You see, while I can do a lot of crafty stuff my attention span for it is very limited. However, I am really really good at Crochet. I taught it in Oregon as well as doing demo’s and making hats here and there for my friends. I’ve worked on projects privately but never for any sort of income, or expected sales. People just don’t like crochet. Or so I thought.

I browsed around Etsy and decided to see what kind of random shit people were crocheting and trying to market these days. And then I see shit like this: http://www.etsy.com/shop_sold.php?user_id=5178081 Okay, so what the fuck. People are actually buying these?! I can make these!

So I decided to try my hand at making a beret/tam/whatever-the-fuck hippy/indie hat. http://twitpic.com/1csmfu It wasn’t very hard, that’s for damn sure. I kept track of my pattern and just improvised as I went along. I actually never had to frog (pull out) any of the rows. That surprised me.

Now I’m on a hat kick. Haha. Ironic. I always thought people didn’t like crochet. Hopefully I can make some money on the side.

Sober April

3 Comments

This month is going to be a very strenuous month for me. I’ve given up drinking. And quiet a few other things. I want to use this month to save money and to get into better shape. With some help from my sister I’ve worked out the following guidelines for april:

  1. – No booze. AT ALL ZERO NONE ZILCH. If you know me in person you realize that this is not an easy sacrifice
  2. + Diet Dr Pepper. This will be my only caffeine intake.
  3. – Zero Carb Monsters
  4. – FiveHour Energy
  5. – Rockstars
  6. + Water WATER WATER. I’m going to have water readily available at all times. Even if it’s mixed with my little crystal light lemonade things so that I actually want to drink it. I know that I’m usually just thirsty when I feel hunger.
  7. + 20 minutes of walking, AT LEAST, every day. This will probably become longer, but I’m trying to set realistic goals
  8. + Continuing to spin my poi while strengthening my core.
  9. + Buy a measuring cup for a true ‘cup’ or 8oz.

I hope I don’t overwhelm myself with this. I don’t think it will be too bad, plus I can’t wait to see how much money I save, if nothing else. I’m just over feeling not completely comfortable in my own skin. Wishing wont do any good. I want to be stoked on life by the time summer comes.