Author: Amb A Sinner

Amb A Sinner https://ambasinner.wordpress.com If beauty is pain, violence is makeup.
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y be one of the most pathetic individuals to walk this planet. At least one of the most pathetic people I know. I want to be loved so desperately that I will claw and cling and sacrifice in order to feel that someone cares for me. No matter how little. I am one of those completely codependant people. Or atleast that’s how I feel. I’m perfectly capable of being alone. I can maintain my life just fine. And yet I’m always on the prowl. I’m always looking for a romantic partner. As the quote goes, “I will give you my body, just sell me your soul.” I don’t care about the physical interludes. They are what they are. What I long for is some sort of deeply afflicting emotion. For someone to wake up and have me be the first thing on their mind. I guess it’s just because I know what it feels to be so deeply in love that you would cut your beating heart out of your chest if only to make the other person’s life a little bit better. I miss it.

My life is definitely not what I expect it to be a few short weeks away from my 24th birthday. Wasn’t I supposed to be enjoying being married to the love of my life right now? I guess I’m just childproof to the letter.

My resolve is weak and I know it. I know I will never go back to what I once had, and could take again if I wanted it. But I wish someone would fill the mantle. I know I’m broken and I have so many things that are wrong with me, but don’t the pro’s out weigh the cons? Or at least shouldn’t they? Maybe I’m just wishing for some sort of fairy tale ending that I will never get.

I don’t want to have the house with the blue shutters and the white picket fence. I just want someone who compliments me as well as I compliment them.

So aside from the emotional break down..

I’m sick of california. I love my friends. I can’t afford to live here. I know it. You know it. We all fucking know it. Why I keep beating a dead horse is beyond me. I keep expecting something amazing to happen. But instead I’m caught up in this broken record. Same things every week. Same drill. Same outcome. I feel like I’m a lost boy in nevernever land who will never grow up. I don’t want to be peter pan anymore. I guess I’ve turned into Wendy.

Sticks and Stones. Dissolution.

tequila and coworkers

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Last night: beer pong, tequila, coworkers. To put it lightly mixing the two is not a good idea. What I remember of the night is good, mostly. But then theres lots of weird little flashbacks I keep getting and it leaves me wondering what the fuck I did. I know I got home around 4:30am because my Dad told me.. I’m pretty sure my friend Joe drove me home. Other than that, I’m not really 100% about anything. The idea of drinking makes me shudder and maybe this was a good last hoorah because I don’t think I’m going to be down for a long time.

I have a random bruise on my jaw, dirt in my hair, my eyeballs hurt, and all in all I think things did not go the way I wanted them to. I quite possibly could’ve alienated half of my friends. I don’t know, and it’s not a good feeling. I feel like a total ass right now, but only because I don’t know wtf I did. Ugh. puke.

Life and Pilates

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I’ve been doing pilates every night.. and I’ve gained three pounds. Awesome. That totally motivates me.. ugh. Massive diet time. I found a place I can buy ephedrine HCL online, which I’m stoked about. So that’s next paycheck. Today I bought my ticket to Oregon! YAY. Can’t wait for the vacation it will be great

Straight up ridiculous

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Work is bullshit. My boss is on vacation for another 10 days. She left us high and dry and knew it and doesn’t care. I’m a complete stress monster. I have a screaming headache all day. For some reason I’m the go-to person for the bosses and for my peers. I’m not the fucking manager, and I’m not getting paid to play manager. I just ate a bowl of ice cream and it was delicious. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Or ever again. I just want to fricken get stoned or something but I don’t smoke pot anymore. I sure did choose a bad week to quit drinking.

Tattoos

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I got my neck tattooed two nights ago in my friends dining room. I’m so stoked about it, but I didn’t take into account the fact that I wear tight fitting collared shirts to work. It’s kind of like sabotage. Work hurts now in a whole new way. Blah. Stars Tattoo

I did 20 minutes of pilates last night. I love it and am a little sore this morning. I’m thinking about doing some more this morning, but I’m not sure if I just want to do it after I get off of work.  I’m going to go running tomorrow. It should be interesting to see how far I can push myself.