Internet got turned off.. got turned back on.. Here I am. I’m off work today, so I’m being a domestic Goddess and getting all my house work done. My woredrobe has gotten a complete over haul and right now I’m doing a load of laundry. My main subject of thought today is how amazing it is that in a matter of minutes someone can dance in or out of your life. Suddenly they’re everything or just not nearly as important as they used to be. I had one day of peace. One day when I didn’t care about anyone else but myself and it was great. I was so un absorbed in the crap going on around me. Then old friends start contacting me and I begin to miss Oregon. The people there are different. I found out yesterday though that after September I have a weeks paid vacation. I need to talk to my big bosses and confirm some dates. If I’m getting paid to take time off then I can actually afford to go to Oregon for a week and catch up and not feel like a scumbag for never seeing my friends. They were more my family than my blood relatives for a long time. I’m just afraid I wont want to come home.

All boys I’ve spoken about previous to this entry who are not dating one of my friends are no longer in my life. I think I prefer it this way.

So, I’m at a stalemate. Half torn between just telling guys “Yeah, I have a mini crush on you” or just being like ‘fuck it’ and avoiding menfolk all together. I’m addicted to the flirting and the chase but I think I’m scared of boys, not the other way around. I’m scared of putting myself out there, I’m scared of being hurt, and it is totally against my nature to be vulnerable at all. I’m basically my own worst enemy and that sucks pretty good.

I don’t know how to change it, or what to even do with myself besides retreat and try not to get excited when boys I am interested in show me attention. It’s just not worth it, and I’m not a door mat.

Had girls night last night with Katie and Andrea. Dre (andrea’s homie) showed up later in the night with some Pizza from her work (Pizza My Heart yum yum).Katie, Andrea, and I had already finished a bottle of Bacardi by the time Dre showed up. It was a great night. Katie and I talked about boys. Apparently I shouldn’t completely write off Julian, and I should write off Luke. Weird. So I’ve been chewing on that most of the day. I think I’d rather just write all boys off and just do what I do.

I talked to Kyle (MY HUSBAND argh x_x) today before work. It was a weird and pretty surreal conversation. We were friendly. We made a bit of peace, considering the last time we talked it didn’t end well. Anyway, I’ve got a lot on my mind now because of it. We talked a bit about people we had been seeing, or liked or whatever. Ex’s per se. He has an exgirlfriend, I personally haven’t been anyone’s “girlfriend” since we split, but you get the idea.

I told him about the issues I’ve been having with men. The many degree’s of “issues.” The ones I like don’t like me, the one’s who like me I don’t care for. And then all the grey area in between. He gave me great ego boosts but also made me really depressed. Two sides of the same coin, I suppose.

He proceeded to tell me all the great things about myself, that he loves in me. It reminded me that I am an awesome person. The depth of my personality is incredible and I am wonderful in so many ways. That sounds really egotistical for me to say, but it’s what he said. So then the depressing part for me, is that I wonder if anyone will ever appreciate my quirks and oddities the way he does. Will anyone ever love me the way he did? Or at all? I know these are natural things to ask yourself when you’ve left a long term relationship, but man. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse every time I deal with a guy.

Besides that, I feel like I am so completely guarded emotionally that no one will ever get the chance to know me the way he did. I’m so completely scared of being hurt again that I refuse to give someone the opportunity to do it, and in the process I’m quite possibly sabotaging my own happiness.

So yeah, that’s what I’m chewing on right now.