Still no luck figuring out the ‘web cam’ deal. I mean clearly I’m not sitting at a PC and it’s not going to update every 30 seconds, but I feel like it would be FUN.

Looking at themes for my WP on their website and I can’t say I’m super pumped about ANY of them. I miss hosting wordpress on a personal server and changing the code to fit my needs. I can’t even find the theme I’m currently using so maybe this is grandfathered in somehow. Hahaha.

So anyways. Happy Saturday ❤

So kiddos… I’m ambasinner.com

I’ve checked the domain with my phone, and it’s functional. Hooraay!

That all being said. I’m still unhappy and grievous.

I would love to figure out the best way to have a “webcam” on my website. I think I’m going to have to utilize instagram, which I am not a huge fan of.

Lord. How do I deal with the new internet? Everything requires payment (I had to call my CU and tell them WP was a legit charge) and I can’t figure out how to FTP to my website for an easy cam update.

idek if FTP is used anymore.

Anyways

xoxo Amb

So, it looks like we have to use a whole separate application in order to get the numbers and figures of our website.

WHY.

Jetpack is a website builder. Why the fuck do I need to get my data from them?

What I’m understanding is my data goes in this path:

WordPress > JetPack > Word > WordPress.

This is not how things used to be.

I don’t know about you kids. I’m 39.

Gen Z, Gen Alpha; gather around the fire. Let me tell you about the before times.

Websites that were FREE were paid for by ADS that were shown on your website. YOU were not the commodity, the hits on your site were.

Suddenly we’re at the point that we, as humans, are the commodity. What do we do, how do we react. What WHAT WHAT WHAT.

I’m over it.

I’m going to talk about things no one gives a fuck about in this blog. I certainly do not expect anyone else to care.

That being said, we can do better.

Our routes for creative writing can do better.

I am going to give WordPress my money FOR A YEAR. I want a domain and I want to have unlimited access.

However, if shit gets weird I’ll just burn my whole digital neighbordhood down.

xoxo A ❤

How do I talk about my Mother.

How do I talk about how much I miss her.

I can’t smell her on my clothes anymore.

I can’t remember the last time she hugged me outside of her hospital bed.

I have so many of her clothes, because even though I was a solid foot taller than her, our waists were the same size.

I miss my Mother telling me I was right.

I miss my Mother telling me my opinion, no matter how loud or abrasive, WAS RIGHT.

I have always supported the “under dogs” and my Mother always supported me supporting them.

I miss my Mother telling me I was crazy, but the best kind.

I miss my Mother telling me how I “danced to the beat of my own drum”

I miss my Mother loving me, for me.

It’s hard to describe my Mother. She was a confusing person, but so am I.

Story time; At one point in my life my ex-SIL (sister in law) called my mom and told her I was doing speed. Was I doing speed? Yes. Did I admit to it at that time? No. However, my Mother straight up asked me about it and I was honest, “Yes, Mom, I’m doing XYZ drug.”

You know what she said? Ok. I love you.

I miss my Mothers acceptance of who I am and who I was. Do I still do speed? Fuck no. I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

I’m so depressed.

I take cetalapram every day.

I take trazadone to sleep.

This really doesn’t take care of me or my problem.

I wish I could hug my 5’4″ mother. She held me. I don’t feel held anymore. I miss her smell.

I miss her laughing at my bullshit, but also supporting me.

What do I do without her? How do I proceed?