Love.. its not enough to satisfy

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wallowed my soul
Could it be, that I fell apart, it shows
The lines on the face ate away my smile
Could it be that I, fell apart
Fall, in me
I’ll let you breathe
‘Cause you were fallin’, I’m sorry, I may be
Fall, in me
I’ll let you breathe
‘Cause you were fallin’, I’m sorry, I may be
Fall, in me

Stuff and Things

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Hi everyone..

It’s been… years? Yeah. Years. My last post was December of 2017. That means we 19 months from my last post. That definitely doesn’t lead to people wanting to read my stories or thoughts.

A lot has happened since my last post. Actually, that seems to be the theme for every post of I have made in the last four years. QUICK QUICK UPDATE. I PROMISE I’LL UPDATE MORE.

I PROMISE. I SWEAR. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

But for really reals, I totally plan on updating more. I finally have a craft room set up and that means that my computer is finally set up. Permanently.

** NOTE ** Mike and I bought a house. Which means that things are very permanent.

Very. Permanent.

I live in a very republican rich part of rural Oregon now. As I’m sure most of you know I’m a very liberal California girl.

But back to the main point of this post.

I’m going to write more. And this time. I MEAN IT.

 

xoxoxo

Amb

A whisper and a sigh

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People dying.

Slowly, swiftly, quietly, or loudly.

Death is not something that people want to directly look at. Maybe around the peripheral, but not straight on. Not where they can see a body slowly wasting away while the mind doesn’t… or where they can see a mind wasting away and the body just responding in kind.

I’m used to dealing with people I love dying. It seems to have been a trend in these last years. There has been three or more people I love dying or ending up dead EVERY YEAR.

 

But.. I’ve never had to share my mourning over potential death with someone else.

 

When a family member has died my family has mourned, and I have mourned, and we all did our thing independantly.

My family, apparently, dies quietly and in the night. That’s not always the case. Obviously.

There’s always that slow death.

Even if you don’t die at the end.

M’s father has been diagnosed with lung AND colon cancer. He will probably end up losing most of his colon and having a bag. That sucks for sure, but it’s better than death? Maybe? Maybe. Hopefully. I wouldn’t want a colon bag. But I also don’t want to die. I still smoke. So who knows.

However, the real subject here, is mourning. Dealing with this. Dealing with sadness and being a supportive person. I have a relationship with M’s father that does not include M. His Father and I have a wonderful friendship. So I’m mourning a friend.

He’s mourning a Father.

How do I support him while I’m trying to be human enough to go to work tomorrow?

I can’t smile, I can’t “chin up,” I can’t just keep on keepin’ on.

This is fucked.

Ah well that’s my life.