I’ve resolved some issues and have had new ones pop up. I just want to sleep.
drama
Nope!
Today has not turned out as excellent as I had hoped it would.
Actually today has absolutely sucked.
I fought with M the drunk driving friend. I got stuck in traffic. My car was acting all crazy and actually died as I pulled into a parking spot at the gas station.
I have a ridiculous headache.
My painting is just.. not right. I can’t focus on it and it’s frustrating.
I think I need to be more of a hermit and quit spreading myself so thin emotionally. I guess that’s what happens when you like people who don’t like you and people who like you, you don’t like. Something like that, anyway.
Drama Weekend
M is moving here to Santa Cruz this week. There has been more drama this weekend than I’ve had in my life for a while. I don’t appreciate or enjoy it.
I’ve explained so many times to so many people what’s going on in my life that it’s hard for me to actually write it all out here now.
M is my ex boyfriend. Since we broke up I have been very clear about where I’m at and what I’m doing. He lives in Idaho. Well he lived in Idaho. Now he’s moving back here.
A lot of things were said this weekend and I’m just a complete ball of stress about it. So all this M drama and a new job on top of my injury, and the fact that I’m not working (read: no income) I’m just ready to melt down.
I feel responsible for his happiness even though I absolutely 100% am not. He’s giving me ultimatums and demands that are impossible for me to fulfill and I feel pressured to make decisions prematurely. Suddenly everything I was prepared to deal with in October are happening right now.
I just have to hold it together.
Upside Down
My life is a bit backwards at the moment. Last week I hurt my back. The muscles in my lumbar are having massive spasms and I’m a bit disabled. I was off work for five days and yesterday was my first day back. I’m a Barista, remember? It’s incredibly hard to be efficient when you can’t bend over. None the less, I’m taking muscle relaxers and pain killers until it can heal itself but I feel as though this isn’t going to help as long as I’m still moving and using the muscles.
Not only that, but my ex-boyfriend, M is likely flying into town tomorrow. He had moved to Idaho for work but is now applying for jobs here so he can move back. He has some interviews and wants to see me.
I agreed to maybe have dinner with him and catch up. I’m not entirely sure what to expect and I’m nervous about it. I don’t know what to expect. I know he hasn’t gotten over me and I’m not entirely sure I’m “over” him, but I have been seeing other people. I know that he hasn’t.
I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face. I guess we’ll see.
Then again, he may not be coming into town at all, so maybe I should just stop worrying about it and roll with the punches.
20,000 Underneath the Sea 