life

Welcome to bat country.. ?

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I’m on drugs. Lots of drugs. Prescription drugs though so I only feel a little bit like a junkie. It’s rough.

I’ve been having major back issues for about two months now. Work is being very inflexible and it’s only a matter of time before I’m terminated. Basically the next time I have to leave work early or miss a day. That’s when I will be terminated.

I digress, back to the drugs! I’m taking 5mg of valium three times daily. 3/325mg Norco (hydrocodone, vicodin, whatever you want to call it) as needed for pain but prescribed at every 4-6 hours. I’m also taking penicillin four times daily, but that’s because I’m going to be having a wisdom tooth taken out and they want to make sure there is no infection present. I was on prednisone but that prescription has run it’s course. I’ve now been referred to a neuro-spine doctor. Institute? I don’t know. It’s kind of bananas.

Not only am I not supposed to be driving while taking these meds, but it makes it really hard to be coherent. I work in a call center booking people’s vacations. I have to say though, the valium makes it really easy for me to never get upset when someone is yelling at me. So that’s a plus. The norco’s make me very ill though so that’s quite a pit fall.

M and I have put in our 30 days notice at our apartment. I’m still searching for a trailer I can turn into a guest house at my mothers place. It’s not going as well as I’d like it to, but when push comes to shove I wont be homeless if I don’t get it. M is working out of town and has housing provided by his employer. I have many relatives who have made it clear that I’m more than welcome to live with them if I need to.

I’m trying to be good with my blog! I always feel so much better after writing. Through the years I think my writing abilities have declined. Probably because my social life has become completely stagnant. I don’t have a digital camera anymore, so pictures aren’t as plentiful, and I never think about using my video camera because.. well.. I don’t actually have an excuse, but I never think about it.

I really really reeeeeally  want to get the WordPress.com premium upgrade. Domain name, full CSS access, space for photo’s and videos and fun shit. It would be so easy for me to justify it because “Oh man that would just make blogging so much more awesome!” and it would, but $99 is something I could be spending on, oh I don’t know, a place to live. Maybe I should start a fund raiser. Hah.

Am I Sinking?

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Am I? I might be. I think I am. I’m not floating. I’m not up above all of the day-to-day petty bullshit stress that used to just pass me by. I used to hear about people worrying about their bills. Rent. Electric. Internet? Not necessary. It’s not that I never had bills, but I was never 100% responsible for them. My rent was on time, I paid my part on time. Always. But, I always knew, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t all on me. Every single bill. For more than just me. You know what I mean? Even if it was on me, it was my shit. Not someone elses. Does that make sense? If I went with-out, well too bad. I will survive. But what if I’m the reason someone else goes without, someone who’s depending on me to be the responsible one.

It’s like, do you even know me? Do you see me? You think I’m responsible? I don’t care about my credit score. I don’t have a car payment. I don’t have credit cards that need to be paid monthly. If I don’t put money on my cell phone (Yes, I’m pre-paid because I don’t want a contract) then I just don’t have a phone. I’m ok with this. It doesn’t bother me. I sleep just fine at night knowing that someone might want to get a hold of me. It doesn’t effect me.

I miss Santa Cruz. I miss a simpler time. I miss living with my Dad. Why? Because he’s like me. Living mostly off the grid. I had a job so I had spending money and food. No rent, no electric bill, no internet bill. He didn’t have one either. I didn’t mooch off him. We had a fantastic partner ship. We lived well together. He worked on the farm we lived on and that paid our bills. He did his projects because he’s retired and enjoyed spending his time doing it. I lived with him because he didn’t like living alone. Does that make me a mooch? Maybe it does and I’m not realizing it.

I don’t think it does. He asked me to be there. I liked knowing my Father wasn’t living alone on some hill top.

Maybe my whole perception of reality has been horribly skewed because of the fact that I got to enjoy that time. Years of that.

I’m trying to get back to that. I just want a trailer in the woods on some property. Running water, a little electric, these things I can afford without being a slave. Another cog in the machine that doesn’t have an identity. I don’t have an identity. I got jury duty. Just another fucking number.

People have mid-life crisis’s. I’m 28. I’m too fucking young for this shit. I would rather be poor and happy. Happy and living a fulfilling life. Even if it’s poor, and I don’t have extra spending money, as long as I can get by and be happy it’s worth it. What’s the point of having a pocket full of cash if you never have time to spend it?

Retirement? Pensions? I’m the wrong generation for that.

I think I need to just get off the grid a while. Be the crazy lady with my garden and my cats, and dogs, and peacocks, and just dig in.

Yes, I think that’s what I’m going to do.

Tacoma

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Weird right?

Yeah so I live in Tacoma Washington now. Strange turn of events. Long story short: Applied for an apartment. Found out Nov 1st (while more than a bit hungover) we got approved, packed up that day, left Nov 2nd. Slept over in Portland. Arrived Nov 3rd. Now I live in Tacoma.

I haven’t found a job yet, but I’m looking. I finally broke down and applied to Starbucks. I’m qualified and I need a job. Like bad. LIEK WOAH.

Haha. Anyway, hopefully I will stop failing at my blog and start using it again. I like having it and I need to remember that.

Oh and here are some pictures because I need to start sharing.

Boop

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I’ve had a hellacious five days. I don’t even want to begin divulging details about it because it’s simply too overwhelming and I know I will leave something to be desired. So I will simply say they were terrible, and leave it at that.

Yesterday was the long awaited Dentist Appointment to take care of my jaw infection. It took longer than expected to come up with the $500 I had to have up front in order to get it taken care of, but now it is all taken care of. I have a hole in my jaw and my mouth is sore but at least it will heal and all will be well.

I’m in a slump. Just in life. In general. I am not happy and I don’t really know why. I hate my job, colors seem dull and I really have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m 16 again. That was back when I was diagnosed with bipolar, and though I believed it to be a crock of shit over these last few years I wonder if perhaps it was not. I am depressed and I know it. I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t want drugs to fix it, I just want to be happy. I need to find something to be happy about, and that’s where I fail.

I will be visiting Oregon soon. That is definitely something I am looking forward to. My family is a source of happiness and I simply can’t wait to see my little niece Olivia. I will of course enjoy my time with Mike. He is also a constant source of happiness. But in general, I feel like my life has no purpose, no focus.. I have no goals, long term or short.

I don’t really know where to set my marker. I can’t really figure out what it is I want to do with myself. I just feel so.. lost.