stress

My Poor Sweet Car

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Where to begin? I’ve been having some car trouble.. I had to replace a fuel injector, but now more problems are happening. My car is hemorrhaging oil. OIL! This is no good in a diesel. My car also has 456K miles on record. I’ve been delving deep into MB forums that I’ve followed for years hoping those smart folks can help me out. They’ve helped me fix numerous things before but this might be too much. I lost over 2 quarts of oil going a total of 8 miles. That’s no fucking good.

The problem is A) It’s expensive as shit to fix Mercedes and B) I don’t have a bad ass mechanic (nor my Father) here to help me. This car is basically bullet proof though. It’s worth fixing. I could easily get a million miles out of her.

I found a hose that’s bubbling and cracked which I need to replace. I’ve never seen a hose bubble before. It’s got me a bit worried.

Other than that, life is good! I’ve started spending a lot of my spare time helping my Sister work on shoes a bit and have still been looking for a job. It’s kind of hard to look for a job though when your car isn’t working and you live 30 miles away from a bus stop. Brutal.

Hope life is treating all of you well though.

I’ll be happy once this fucking Mercury Retrograde is over.

Am I Sinking?

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Am I? I might be. I think I am. I’m not floating. I’m not up above all of the day-to-day petty bullshit stress that used to just pass me by. I used to hear about people worrying about their bills. Rent. Electric. Internet? Not necessary. It’s not that I never had bills, but I was never 100% responsible for them. My rent was on time, I paid my part on time. Always. But, I always knew, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t all on me. Every single bill. For more than just me. You know what I mean? Even if it was on me, it was my shit. Not someone elses. Does that make sense? If I went with-out, well too bad. I will survive. But what if I’m the reason someone else goes without, someone who’s depending on me to be the responsible one.

It’s like, do you even know me? Do you see me? You think I’m responsible? I don’t care about my credit score. I don’t have a car payment. I don’t have credit cards that need to be paid monthly. If I don’t put money on my cell phone (Yes, I’m pre-paid because I don’t want a contract) then I just don’t have a phone. I’m ok with this. It doesn’t bother me. I sleep just fine at night knowing that someone might want to get a hold of me. It doesn’t effect me.

I miss Santa Cruz. I miss a simpler time. I miss living with my Dad. Why? Because he’s like me. Living mostly off the grid. I had a job so I had spending money and food. No rent, no electric bill, no internet bill. He didn’t have one either. I didn’t mooch off him. We had a fantastic partner ship. We lived well together. He worked on the farm we lived on and that paid our bills. He did his projects because he’s retired and enjoyed spending his time doing it. I lived with him because he didn’t like living alone. Does that make me a mooch? Maybe it does and I’m not realizing it.

I don’t think it does. He asked me to be there. I liked knowing my Father wasn’t living alone on some hill top.

Maybe my whole perception of reality has been horribly skewed because of the fact that I got to enjoy that time. Years of that.

I’m trying to get back to that. I just want a trailer in the woods on some property. Running water, a little electric, these things I can afford without being a slave. Another cog in the machine that doesn’t have an identity. I don’t have an identity. I got jury duty. Just another fucking number.

People have mid-life crisis’s. I’m 28. I’m too fucking young for this shit. I would rather be poor and happy. Happy and living a fulfilling life. Even if it’s poor, and I don’t have extra spending money, as long as I can get by and be happy it’s worth it. What’s the point of having a pocket full of cash if you never have time to spend it?

Retirement? Pensions? I’m the wrong generation for that.

I think I need to just get off the grid a while. Be the crazy lady with my garden and my cats, and dogs, and peacocks, and just dig in.

Yes, I think that’s what I’m going to do.

Bad Manners

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I would just like to apologize for my random hiatus. I realize it’s bad manners and bad form for me because my blog is still “new” and I really don’t have archives for people to read.

But I needed it. Oh oh oh did I ever need it.

An incredible friend of mine, J, sent me a sick Motorola Xoom that I’ve been in love with since the moment I opened the box.

I also received my 120 film and adjusted it to fit my (new to me!) duaflex II kodak camera.

These have completely consumed my time. A friend of mine had a birthday party on Saturday which I attended. I spun my poi a little, played games, and drank more than I should have.

I also did that on Friday.

And on Thursday.

And probably a bunch before that too.

You see why I went on hiatus.

Shit got cray.

Yeah I said it.

So now that all of that is out of my system I’m feeling a bit more like myself. A bit more grounded. My head is in a better place.

I had a ridiculous week. I had become financially drained with car troubles and supporting another human. Another adult human. It definitely reminded me I’m in no position to have a baby ever. Not that I really needed reminding. Sorry, that’s pretty off topic.

I would talk about my love life, but I don’t have one anymore. So that’s out too.

Work is awesome. Woo! Ending on a good note.