work

Insanity!!

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Just kidding. My life has been all kinds of crazy since re-entering the work place. I put in my two-weeks notice at Starbucks, so after the 11th I will no longer have to do the one thing I’m best at and the one thing I hate the most; make coffee.

Today I’m painting. What am I painting? The same ol’ crazy things I always end up painting. Here’s my work station.. and yes I call it that because it doesn’t stay this way all the time.

Painting Station

It gets the job done. You can see my paints, my mediums, my brushes, my pads, etc etc etc. The only thing you can’t see is the weird lap easel I use and my energy drink and ashtray on another tub/table to my right. I’m excited to see what comes of this 🙂

Drama Weekend

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M is moving here to Santa Cruz this week. There has been more drama this weekend than I’ve had in my life for a while. I don’t appreciate or enjoy it.

I’ve explained so many times to so many people what’s going on in my life that it’s hard for me to actually write it all out here now.

M is my ex boyfriend. Since we broke up I have been very clear about where I’m at and what I’m doing. He lives in Idaho. Well he lived in Idaho. Now he’s moving back here.

A lot of things were said this weekend and I’m just a complete ball of stress about it. So all this M drama and a new job on top of my injury,  and the fact that I’m not working (read: no income) I’m just ready to melt down.

I feel responsible for his happiness even though I absolutely 100% am not. He’s giving me ultimatums and demands that are impossible for me to fulfill and I feel pressured to make decisions prematurely. Suddenly everything I was prepared to deal with in October are happening right now.

I just have to hold it together.

Temporarily Disabled

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I’m off work for the next seven days. I had to go to the hospital this morning after I woke up for work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Well, I couldn’t easily get out of bed.  I did this kind of roll/crawl until I could get upright. I drove to the hospital with M and did the zombie shuffle to my room while I waited for the doctor to arrive.

Three hours later, I see a Physicians Assistant. We go through the drill. Try to push your leg up. Do you feel this in your toes? Do you have any numbing? Any shooting pains? How bad do you feel on a scale of one to ten… 

I do my best and all the while it’s finally dawning on me how serious my back injury is. While sitting on a chair, I can’t lift my legs up more than a few inches. I can’t bend over, I can’t lean.

So the doctor wrote me a prescription for more muscle relaxers and more pain killers and a note to my work saying I cannot come in for another seven days.

I just had five days off last week for this very same thing. I was doing really really good and then I went back to work for two days and BAM! I can’t walk or stand again comfortably.

I hope it gets better this week or I’m going to be in a world of hurt. Both figuratively and literally.

Boop

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I’ve had a hellacious five days. I don’t even want to begin divulging details about it because it’s simply too overwhelming and I know I will leave something to be desired. So I will simply say they were terrible, and leave it at that.

Yesterday was the long awaited Dentist Appointment to take care of my jaw infection. It took longer than expected to come up with the $500 I had to have up front in order to get it taken care of, but now it is all taken care of. I have a hole in my jaw and my mouth is sore but at least it will heal and all will be well.

I’m in a slump. Just in life. In general. I am not happy and I don’t really know why. I hate my job, colors seem dull and I really have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m 16 again. That was back when I was diagnosed with bipolar, and though I believed it to be a crock of shit over these last few years I wonder if perhaps it was not. I am depressed and I know it. I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t want drugs to fix it, I just want to be happy. I need to find something to be happy about, and that’s where I fail.

I will be visiting Oregon soon. That is definitely something I am looking forward to. My family is a source of happiness and I simply can’t wait to see my little niece Olivia. I will of course enjoy my time with Mike. He is also a constant source of happiness. But in general, I feel like my life has no purpose, no focus.. I have no goals, long term or short.

I don’t really know where to set my marker. I can’t really figure out what it is I want to do with myself. I just feel so.. lost.