Dear Universe,

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Do you just not want me to have any finances? Is my Birth Chart true? Am I just an unlucky individual who will always work hard and diligently and never have anything to show for it?

I choose not to believe these things fully, I try to believe that you are the master of your own fate, but sometimes I feel like you just shove it in my face to remind me who is all powerful.

What are you trying to tell me! Why do you keep doing this to me? I know this is not just me being financially stupid. I am not dumb with money! Somehow “something” always comes up. Why do you make that “something” happen??

Gah, I hope there is some Greater Plan happening right now or I will rip my fucking hair out.

Your friend,
Amber

On a lighter note, I have discovered the group/singer/band/whatever Metric. I kind of love every song I’ve heard of theirs. Yeah, good shit. Thanks Grooveshark. I owe you one.

Up-swing

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And just like that the whole world can turn upside down. I’m kind of okay with my life right now. Really, I don’t feel anything negatively. I think two hours of just playing with my poi and finding that ‘zen’ area really helped clear all the clutter from my brain.

I wont go into detail, but I just want to thank the Cosmo’s for addressing my work situation. I appreciate it.

Boop

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I’ve had a hellacious five days. I don’t even want to begin divulging details about it because it’s simply too overwhelming and I know I will leave something to be desired. So I will simply say they were terrible, and leave it at that.

Yesterday was the long awaited Dentist Appointment to take care of my jaw infection. It took longer than expected to come up with the $500 I had to have up front in order to get it taken care of, but now it is all taken care of. I have a hole in my jaw and my mouth is sore but at least it will heal and all will be well.

I’m in a slump. Just in life. In general. I am not happy and I don’t really know why. I hate my job, colors seem dull and I really have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m 16 again. That was back when I was diagnosed with bipolar, and though I believed it to be a crock of shit over these last few years I wonder if perhaps it was not. I am depressed and I know it. I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t want drugs to fix it, I just want to be happy. I need to find something to be happy about, and that’s where I fail.

I will be visiting Oregon soon. That is definitely something I am looking forward to. My family is a source of happiness and I simply can’t wait to see my little niece Olivia. I will of course enjoy my time with Mike. He is also a constant source of happiness. But in general, I feel like my life has no purpose, no focus.. I have no goals, long term or short.

I don’t really know where to set my marker. I can’t really figure out what it is I want to do with myself. I just feel so.. lost.

Riddle me this.

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April 1st, I weighed myself before I started sober april. I weighed 155lbs. I was STOKED on this. This morning, I weighed myself, and I weigh 167lbs? Uhm. My pants are loose.. so how is this possible? I think my scale is broken. I do stack stuff on it so maybe that could’ve ruined it? I don’t f’in know. But I am super sad/upset/pissed right now.

This is the kind of shit that motivates people like me to drink. Seriously.

Dear April,

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Yes, I’m talking to you. It would appear that the bargain we struck four days ago was far too high of a price and I over estimated my will power and ability to drop habits.

Please, allow me to explain. Caffeine. I have done (what I consider) an amazing job dropping Energy drinks.. Except at 5:30 am when I have to open Starbucks. So I am now allowing myself that ONE exception. Otherwise, you’re still out.

Walking… Legs, I have failed you. Since April 1st it has been nothing but shitty weather, and for those of you who don’t know where I live, my driveway is  a 25ft mud slip and slide. No, I haven’t been walking, and now that I’ve lost my momentum I don’t know that I will start.

.. Otherwise everything is still a go! So I’m not a complete failure. I’m only human.