Work is bullshit. My boss is on vacation for another 10 days. She left us high and dry and knew it and doesn’t care. I’m a complete stress monster. I have a screaming headache all day. For some reason I’m the go-to person for the bosses and for my peers. I’m not the fucking manager, and I’m not getting paid to play manager. I just ate a bowl of ice cream and it was delicious. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Or ever again. I just want to fricken get stoned or something but I don’t smoke pot anymore. I sure did choose a bad week to quit drinking.
Tattoos
I got my neck tattooed two nights ago in my friends dining room. I’m so stoked about it, but I didn’t take into account the fact that I wear tight fitting collared shirts to work. It’s kind of like sabotage. Work hurts now in a whole new way. Blah. Stars Tattoo
I did 20 minutes of pilates last night. I love it and am a little sore this morning. I’m thinking about doing some more this morning, but I’m not sure if I just want to do it after I get off of work. I’m going to go running tomorrow. It should be interesting to see how far I can push myself.
Lost
I haven’t been updating because I managed to lose myself in a whirlwind. I’m happy right now, and I feel at peace. The one thing I’ve longed for more than anything in my life lately is peace. Someone is finally reciprocating emotions to me that I thought I wouldn’t feel anymore, but it’s more bittersweet than just plain sweet. “May you always have enoguh trials to keep you strong” is what I keep reminding myself. Love is a finicky thing and it can flutter out of your life as quickly as it danced into it. I will not allow myself to be consumed by this for some time yet.
In other news.. I’ve decided to go into hard core self righteous dieting mode. I’m going back to Oregon for a week in November and I flat out refuse to make my return to the homeland trip at the weight I’m at now. I want everyone to see that I my life is EXACTLY as it should be, without Kyle. I don’t know if I want to prove it more to them or to myself, but it’s motivation none the less. http://www.sparkpeople.com <- Help at it’s finest.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m my own worse enemy as far as calories go. I love beer. I like to party, I like to drink and be drunk and the camaraderie that goes along with it. Beer makes you fat. Beer has definitely had a hand in my weight. My best friend has affectionately nicknamed me “Drunky.” So now it’s time to break that mold and habit, and I fear it will be one of my hardest trials yet.
So for now, I enjoy my last beers.. because after tonight I know not when I will next taste their delectable flavors.
Museum of Lovers
Internet got turned off.. got turned back on.. Here I am. I’m off work today, so I’m being a domestic Goddess and getting all my house work done. My woredrobe has gotten a complete over haul and right now I’m doing a load of laundry. My main subject of thought today is how amazing it is that in a matter of minutes someone can dance in or out of your life. Suddenly they’re everything or just not nearly as important as they used to be. I had one day of peace. One day when I didn’t care about anyone else but myself and it was great. I was so un absorbed in the crap going on around me. Then old friends start contacting me and I begin to miss Oregon. The people there are different. I found out yesterday though that after September I have a weeks paid vacation. I need to talk to my big bosses and confirm some dates. If I’m getting paid to take time off then I can actually afford to go to Oregon for a week and catch up and not feel like a scumbag for never seeing my friends. They were more my family than my blood relatives for a long time. I’m just afraid I wont want to come home.
All boys I’ve spoken about previous to this entry who are not dating one of my friends are no longer in my life. I think I prefer it this way.
Runaway
So, I’m at a stalemate. Half torn between just telling guys “Yeah, I have a mini crush on you” or just being like ‘fuck it’ and avoiding menfolk all together. I’m addicted to the flirting and the chase but I think I’m scared of boys, not the other way around. I’m scared of putting myself out there, I’m scared of being hurt, and it is totally against my nature to be vulnerable at all. I’m basically my own worst enemy and that sucks pretty good.
I don’t know how to change it, or what to even do with myself besides retreat and try not to get excited when boys I am interested in show me attention. It’s just not worth it, and I’m not a door mat.
20,000 Underneath the Sea 