I’m a hypocrit. I give people advice, when I can’t even follow my own. I feel a little bit like a doormat, but I make myself this way. I’m lost and I just have to focus on that light at the end of the tunnel. I suck at communication. Seriously. I’m usually good at biding my time until an opportunity appears to broach a subject, but at this point I’m resigned to the fact that sometimes theres never a good time to say some of the things that need to be said.

Maybe I should just take things for what they are and not care any more than that. I wish I could just do that. I can’t seem to find a happy medium between emotion and indifference. My world is way too black and white. Fuck my life.

I finally feel like a normal human being again. I guess spilling your guts over a couple screw drivers will do that. Or having a friend as awesome as miss Mary is. I’ve been in this position before, I don’t know why my response is surprising to me. Instead of just suffering, I’m acknowledging that’s what I’m doing and in doing so it has been a lot easier for me to just relax and release all my issues. That’s good.

I didn’t update my Project 365 yesterday and I just realized it. Lame. I’ll just have to update with two pictures today. I’m pretty sure I passed a kidney stone yesterday. It was very instense and very painful but I’m in better shape today. I’ve managed not to call in sick at all last week.. not sure how I pulled it off, but I’m glad. I need the hours. I have today off and yay for that. At this point I’m exhausted from lack of sleep (thanks pain!) but I’m eating AZO max strength and drinking lots of water hoping to help my kidney’s out.

Mentally I’m in a weird place between not caring about anything and just being completely overwhelmed. I’m trying to stop my mind from going into lock down, which is what I do when I can’t deal with stuff. I just become.. indifferent. To everything, good or bad. It’s a great self defense mechanism but I don’t want it right now. I don’t want to burn any bridges just because I’m going mental.