relapse

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I jumped off the wagon last night, but have climbed back on today. The booze didn’t make me feel better this time. I basically had a melt down at Mary’s house, and that’s okay, we knew it was going to happen and it needed to happen so we planned it. My kidney’s still hurt and I’ve had a screaming headache for three days but I’m managing. I feel better today, but still not grounded.

I still feel a little rough around the edges. I have tomorrow off work and thank god for that. I requested the last week of june off, hopefully she can make it happen.

Sid came to Mary and Kyle’s house and drank a beer with me. At that point I was pretty gone emotionally. Fuckin emo amber. theres an idea. ha. He made some good points though. Along with everything else in my life, he thinks the kyle thing is just now hitting me. I didn’t mourn about it before. Kind of like a PTSD moment. Awesome. x_x

Pay Day~

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Cash check. $189. Fuck you union dues.

Rent: $50. -$20 less this week than usual. Yay
Taylor: $50 – DnB’s was fun.
Comcast: $32 – back to being at $0 owed.
Cigarettes and Sobe: $25

$32 to get through the week. I’ve been in worse situations. It will be easier with my social life on a hiatus.

Headaches and heart break

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I had what can be described as a very surreal night. I can’t go into detail.. I’ve only managed to get my emotions in check. Logic wins out, but not my own. Here’s the highlights.

I spoke to Kyle.. he brought up the divorce. Of course. It needs to be taken care of as soon as possible. He demands I do it myself and forward him the papers, he tells me he’ll send me any amount of money I need. I ask if he’s willing to pay out why he can’t do it himself. Apparently thems are fighting words.

Our conversation escalates to him explaining to me that the reason he is mean to me, is so that I will fight back.. as I always do.. so that he can hate me. That him still loving me is ruining his life.

In the end I give him what he needs. We will not be speaking anymore. I will be doing seperation papers as soon as is possible.

I end up having some kind of melt down. I don’t know how else to explain. Emotion and Logic were fighting and I couldn’t figure out which one was right.. That sounds retarded, but I am only human.

Someone then arrives at my house to counsel me and now my resolve is set. Along with a many other things.

Day 1 of sobriety is a success. I did not end up drinking away my problems, even though I was under severe durress. There is hope yet.

murder death kill

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I just got home from one of the longest days of work in the history of the world.. Sort of.  Basically bad recovery from a three day bender (read previous entry) My day started off with me purchasing my usual double pack of 5hr energy drinks. I’ve resolved to quit drinking soda, beer, and rockstars. Too many calories and shit is bad for me anyway. So anyway, I get my energy drinks, take one and get to work. Only to find out I get to work with the new hire (Jackie). This is her third day.. I’ve been gone for the first two.

Stacie (Starbucks Manager) is gone. the whole fucking time the new hire is there. What does that mean? Oh Amber gets to train her today. I do not get paid to train anyone, even though I trained the last two hires, and I was fucking over it the moment I found out. Then she tried to explain to me how to do my job. Wrong.

I wanted to punch myself just so I could go home. At this point I’m on day two of severe kidney pain and I didn’t want to be there anyway. Break time I smoke.. realize I only have like six left. Gotta buy more. OH WAIT. AMBER IS STUPID. I spent my mother fucking cigarette money on FIVE HOUR ENERGY drinks. Now not only do I want to punch myself, I want to claw my eyes out.

Go to lunch, get my sandwich (woo free sammich coupon) and feel like crap the rest of my day. Yeah, I don’t even know.

But then I get home and walk up to my door. I’ve had a birdnest in my window for like two weeks now.. there were three eggs in it. WHAMO egg’s are now baby birdies. 😀

http://twitpic.com/738od

Sidenote: My window is broken, so it’s a huge frame. I have a mirror over it. Haha.

I’m going to be on mental retreat for a while. I’ve found I’ve made myself too emotionally available to someone who isn’t and it’s time for me to step back before I freak myself and possible others out. Besides, it will be nicer to my wallet.